Top Ten Ways to Pretend You're Outdoorsy
Being outdoorsy can be time-consuming and expensive. You gotta get a bunch of gear and plan a bunch of trips. Pretending to be outdoorsy, on the other hand, takes very little effort and is easy on the budget. So if you want people to see you as a nature-loving woodsman or woodswoman, here are a handful of shortcuts you can take.
10. Wear a technical jacket casually
There is no jacket that is too technical to be worn casually. Let people assume your GORE-TEX shell is for alpine mountaineering, and not just to brave the brief stretch of rain between your car and Jimmy Johns.
9. Put National Parks stickers on your car
If you can't afford a Jeep or a Subaru Outback, this is your next best option. Keep in mind, you don't actually have to go to any parks, you can just buy these things on the internet. Heck, I don't even know where Congaree National Park is, but you wouldn't know that if you were driving behind me.
8. "I should try cooking this over a campfire."
Say that after almost every single meal. It doesn't matter if you just got done eating a corn dog or broiled lobster tail with gnocchi in walnut butter. All that matters is that people think that you're a backcountry gourmet. Just be careful not to say it after eating sushi or ice cream.
7. Leave climbing gear in your backseat
Climbing can be an expensive sport to get into, but if you want to cut out the gym fees and training classes, just get yourself a harness, some climbing shoes, and a few big stoppers, then strew them around the backseat of your car. Get to work early and get the parking spot right by the door, so everybody can take a peek.
6. Bring your Nalgene everywhere
Outdoorsy people like to stay hydrated, and they love their Nalgenes. Here's what you do: you grab a carabiner off of the climbing gear decoration from your backseat, stick it on the loop of your Nalgene, then slap a "Hydrate or Die" sticker on the bottle. Take it everywhere.
5. Get a roof rack for your car
A roof rack implies that you like to do things. You can even get activity-specific add-ons to further tailor people's opinions of you. Maybe put a bike or luggage box on your car when you go to work on Friday. People will assume you have a big weekend planned and won't suspect the Magnum PI marathon in your immediate future.
4. Read A Walk In The Woods by Bill Bryson
Read it, and make it well known that you've read it. You should probably bring it up 2 to 3 times a day.
3. Get your hands on an ABC watch
Altimeter, Barometer, Compass. I guarantee there are more functions on the watch than you'll ever need or even figure out, but nobody needs to know that. All they'll know is that you have your finger on the very pulse of nature. Maybe ding it up a bit to make it look well worn. A couple whacks with your remote should do the trick.
2. Make your jacket smell like a campfire
Get a bonfire going in your backyard, drape your jacket over a chair and leave it for as long as it takes you to go inside and watch Turner and Hooch (1hr and 37min). After that, anybody within 10 feet of you will smell your outdoorsiness.
1. Get yourself a woodsy hat
If you ever find a trucker hat with a tree on it, buy it immediately. Wear it often and wash it never.
