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If misplacing things were an Olympic event, I'd have a gold medal around here somewhere.
Sometimes I get so excited about taking a nap that I can't sleep.
Do you ever think maybe "boo" is just ghost for "hello" and we're all simply overreacting?
All that glitters is not gold. A good example: glitter.
Can we please just admit our mistake and stop calling penguins birds? This is getting ridiculous.
Babies aren't even as developed as Slinkys until like a year and a half.
Pretty crazy that kicking a bucket used to be so deadly.
Sarcasm is hard to convey online or when gifting a "World's Best Boss" mug.
Here's a quick tip to anybody currently stuck on a Where's Waldo: did you try looking over there?
Doing a crossword puzzle is a lot like just sitting in a chair if you're terrible at crossword puzzles.
The early bird gets the worm. So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time. Relax, there will be worms.
Instead of throwing old maps away, draw an X on them and put them in a random book in your library.
Look, it would never work out between us. You're from France, I'm from Texas.. our toast is just too different.
Well, wasted another couple hours watching what I thought was a walking-stick bug.
It's pretty crazy how Earth is so dominant in the Miss Universe pageants.
Ever since that one movie, I've had a very difficult time taking my snakes on a plane.
Magicians don't reveal their secrets because the secret is having no social life.
Not doing anything is probably my favorite thing to do.
Bigfoot is the Waldo of the backcountry.
The key to a successful relationship is finding somebody who likes all the mixed nuts that you don't.
Nobody ever really owns a super bouncy ball. We all just kinda borrow them for a while.
The one dinosaur nobody misses is the Thesaurus. That guy was boring, dull, drab, mundane and uninteresting.
My New Year's resolution was to do two pull-ups. I'm not even half way there yet.
New Year's Resolution: get two degrees closer to Kevin Bacon.
Let's get serious for a second here, how the heck do you throw away a trash can?
I just saw two identical snowflakes and nobody believes me.
Is popcorn a vegetable?
Vampires are a lot like mosquitoes, enough of them can ruin a camping trip.
Judging by the way he kisses, I'd say your dog is from France.
I'm the best napper. I could out-nap you in my sleep.
Somebody start a Kickstarter to put tiny capes on flying squirrels.
It's almost as if my coworkers are pretending that they don't know it's my 1/4 birthday.
I play by my own rules. It just so happens my rules coincide with most rules.
The last second on the microwave seems to last twice as long. I want my pizza rolls now, not… now.
I wish everything I touched turned to gold, instead of just getting Dorito powder on it.
Patty cake is alright, but have you ever played cheese cake?
Are we still pretending to like kale?
Easy as pie is a misleading expression if you're bad at pie.
Your eyes are the windows to the soul. Hopefully birds don't fly into them.
Duck Duck Goose sounds like an adorable law firm.
Two roads diverged in the wood and I was like "Ah c'mon."
I made a list of my favorite buckets and don't know what to title it.
I got the word "charade" in charades and my head almost exploded.
I wouldn't say I'm lazy… but I don't know, whatever.
I want a Tinder app, but for sandwiches.
Pictionary proves that a picture is worth one, maybe two words.
Naps are like practice sleeping. Gotta get some training in, cause tonight I go live.
After questioning hundreds of dogs, I'm no closer to finding out who's a good boy.
The guy who named the everything bagel sure had big plans for that thing.
Guess how many words per minute I can type. Too late, twelve.
My favorite yoga pose is Downward Facing Nap.
Trying to get my yoga instructor to recognize the Eating Pizza While Lying Down pose.
I'm sorry I ruined your zen. I thought it was mine.
Instead of cream and sugar, I like to add coffee to my coffee for that extra coffee taste.
Biking is the fastest way to get from point A to point B if you only have a bike.
Don't run with scissors, you might accidentally cut your hair.
I'm trying to do a self portrait but can't get myself to stop moving my arms.
New studies indicate that a picture is actually worth closer to 920-925 words.
If I'm reading this correctly, my zodiac sign is the crab, the two fish or maybe this is a menu.
The future is gonna be here any second now.
Instead of the Mars Rover, we should have sent a Roomba. Get that place nice and tidy.
Pluto will always be a planet in my heart.
What's the dinosaur with plates all over its back? Or am I thinking of a table?
If dinosaurs had invented jackets, they might not be so extinct.
Future civilizations will think that all dinosaurs died while attacking museums.
I wish I lived in prehistoric times. History was always my weakest subject.
When I was a kid I really wanted a pet T-Rex. Not much has changed.
Word Searches are great if you're bored and want to stay bored.
People are doing this fun thing where they write names on the food in the office fridge. This little fruit cup is named "Jessica."
My favorite mixed drink is one part whiskey, two parts whiskey.
The first person to see a giraffe was probably like "nuh uh."
I'm great at keeping secrets right up until I tell them to everybody.
If you think of your bedroom floor as a big drawer then your room is always clean.
More things should be scratch-n-sniff. Also, less things should get mad at me when I check to see if they're scratch-n-sniff.
I fell asleep before the end of Titanic. Hope everybody is okay.
Been working on a new size… extra Medium for people too medium for mediums.
A new guy started today and nobody knows his name. I think I'll name him Tucker.
I slept in today and am gonna be late for my nap.
I don't play phone tag, I play phone hide-and-seek.
I'm gonna flip a coin to see what I do today. Heads is nothing, tails is somehow more nothing.
Home is where the nap is.
My top running speed has often been described as "hurry up" or "why are you running like that?"
Accidentally did a sloth impression all day today.
The office is like a room escape game but the only way to get out is by putting in 8 hours.
I'm going broke celebrating my dog's birthday 7 times a year.
I miss dinosaurs.
Not all who wander are lost, but their car keys might be.
Shout out to Saturdays for not making me put on pants.
Your hair probably looks great today.
The 3rd setting on fans stresses me out.
Being awake makes me so sleepy.
Still thankful that dogs haven't figured out that we're pretty much made of bones.
I've never been confident while pronouncing "gyro."
At what age do you tell your dog they're adopted?
Heads up, three-toed sloths can only count to six.
I want to be a pinball wizard, minus the pinball part.
Alright, I think dogs are domesticated enough. Let's get to work on bears.
Flightless birds are underachievers.
You miss 100% of the tacos you don't eat.
If a starfish made a snow angel it would just be a circle.